McSweeney's Lists

lists@mcsweeneys.net

Cultural Stereotypes

Liberal Arts College or Celebrity Baby Name?

Your Protest Signs Are Too Specific

My 2010 Oscar Night Predictions

Universal Invoice for a Manhattan Child's Birthday Party

Philosophical Queries of Academia That Prompted Classic Songs By Hair Bands

Scott Hamilton, Are You Breaking Up With Me?

Missed Food Connections

Grown-Up Crayon Colors

How to Put On a Sports Bra

Toddler Super Powers

Know the Ropes

New Fears for the 21st Century

Misanthropic Jazz Standards for Valentine's Day

Slow Food Movements

Subject-Verb Disagreements

Horticultural Westerns

Marijuana or Rollercoaster?

Overachieving Beers

Hit Singles From the 1990's in Passive Voice

Things Dorothy Parker Might Have Said, Had She Been a Mother

Benefits Not Provided By "Friends With Benefits"

How I Plan To Impress My Girlfriend's Parents

My Roommate's Apparent Step-By-Step Method For Turning Off My Alarm Clock When I'm Out Of Town

Medical Treatments Prescribed By My Mother, a General Internist, for My Varying Ailments

Obstacles That Keep My Career as a French Professor from Being More Like Tim Gunn's on Project Runway

Other Halls and Oates

When All Else Fails, Name Your Self-Help Book After a Raymond Carver Story

2010 Dead Pool Nominees, Local NYC Business Edition

A Comparative Study in Theme Park Attractions: Mexico's Chichén Itzá Ruins vs. Disney World's Magic Kingdom

The Top Ten Movies of 1909

"Must-Haves" for the Holiday Season

Tonight On HGTV

Jazz Substandards

Number of Twitter Followers of Famous Historical Figures

Backhanded Compliments

If My Upcoming Indian Childhood Memoir Fails, Literary Mashups I Could Create With It Instead

Biblical Figures of the NYSE

More Academic Euphemisms for Masturbating

My MFA Workshop Responds to My Twitter Status Updates

A Cornucopia of Thanksgiving Lists

Previous Experience Listed on the Résumé of a Male Nude Model Applying for a Job in the Monroe Community College Advanced Figure Drawing Class

Notes from the Landlord

Captain Blackbeard's College of Piracy — Ye Olde Course Catalogue, Spring '10

The Franz Liszt

Lost J.M.W. Turner Compositions

Calvin Coolidge Wins the Internet

My Personal Netflix Recommendation Categories

Tom Swifties Excised from the Bible

Movie Deals For Eight Dadamedy Shorts, 1919-1922

Actuarial Tables

Terrible Poetry Jokes

Fourteen Nipple Synonyms for Romance Novelists

Roman Bumper Stickers

Seven Rejected Improv Troupe Scenarios

Airlines of Last Resort

What to Expect: The Third Decade

Lowest Priority H1N1 Vaccine Groups

Bob Dylan GPS Voice Quotes

Super Super Foods

Hairstyles That Would Also Make Better Lovers Than My Boyfriend, Bob

George W. Bush's Retirement To-Do List Regarding the Gophers on Crawford Ranch

YouTube Comment or e.e. cummings?

Four Things Written to Me from the Dean, Forwarded by a Secretary

The Least Popular Gift Cards at Wegmans

Eleven Things One Should Never Say While Climaxing with a New Lover

Failed One-Liners from My Audition for Host of Australia's Funniest Home Videos

Entries from the Index of First Lines in Frederick Seidel's Poems 1959-2009 Taken as a True/False Quiz

The AND1 Office Mixtape Tour

The Other Bathroom Numbers

Phrases My Orchestra Conductor Has Said to Me That Could Get Him Fired if Said Out of Context

Hurricane or Grandparent?

15 Uses for Vodka

Republican S&M Safe Words

Hyundai Motor Company Model, Cirque du Soleil Show, or Pharmaceutical?

Mathematical Refutations of Folk Wisdom

I Came Here to Do Two Things: _ and Kick Ass. And I'm _.

Character from a Thomas Pynchon Novel or Someone Who Recently Sent Me Spam?

Philosopher Finishing Moves

Spoilers I've Delivered To English Lit Majors

Movies for Architects

Status Updates Since My Mother Became My Facebook Friend

Signs This Film is Not Your Big Break

My Line of Children's Slogan T-Shirts Just Isn't Selling

Iran or Star Wars?

Heavy Metal Board Games

Properties I Learned In Math Class On Brownian Motion (BM), with Explanations

Titles From The Baby-Sitters Club: The College Years Series

More Appropriate Wi-Fi Network Names for My Fellow Apartment Building Tenants

Books On Tape

Aesop's Wife's Tales

Non-Safety Schools

Key to High School Yearbook Abbreviations, Updated and Expanded

Party Games For the Recession

Potential Business Opportunities Based On Songs By The Rolling Stones, à la "Ruby Tuesday" Restaurant

Items Available at the Socratic Deli & Grocery

Norse Spirituals

Events From Our Office Functions, Written as Newspaper Headlines

Presidents Who Could Also Be Strippers

Tips for Avoiding Swine Flu

Great Moments in American and Brady Bunch History

From the People Who Brought You Poetry Slam

Articles of Clothing That Go Well With Distressed Jeans

FMyLife Moments in Greek Mythology

Dogs the Obama Girls Met but Did Not Choose

Unrhymed Couplets Written Upon Learning My Ex Scored a Five-Figure Book Deal

Certain Terms and Conditions May Apply to This Offer of Marriage

Inquiries and Mitigations Made by Both Your Financial Consultant and Your Gynecologist

1980s TV Shows for Plants

Things Said in the Sleep-Research Lab That Could Also Refer to a One-Night Stand

Paleolithic Bryan Adams: A Playlist

Partial Index of First Lines From The Academy of American Sciences Presents: Famous Love Poems Enhanced by 21st-Century Research Findings

Passive-Aggressive Compliments I Give to My Wife That Were Stolen From Prince Lyrics

Actual Personal-Health-Care Tips From The 1917 U.S. Army Manual of Military Training (Written by Colonel James A. Moss) That Still Make Good Sense Today

Tweets From the Roman Senate During Cicero's First Oration Against Catiline

Unpopular Mardi Gras Shouts

Thoughts That Kept Picasso Up at Night

SerendipiTea's New Workplace Line of Teas

Titles I'm Kicking Around for My Forthcoming Bernie Madoff Biopic

Academic Monographs by Stars of the 1980s

Investment Opportunities for a Weak Economy, Suggested by the Ghost of James Brown

School Mascots That More Acccurately Represent the Student Body at My University

Why Karma Is a Bitch

Things I Thought or Heard While Serving in Iraq

SportsCenter Anchors Tell the Story of Jesus Christ

Thoughts I've Had While Watching Intervention That Could Possibly Be Red Flags

Fortune-Cookie Messages Appropriate for Dickens Characters

Legacies of Other Bush Administrations

The Real Housewives of Hazzard County

Failed Food Cross-Promotions of the 1970s and Their Taglines

Rockinest Weather Forecasts by Decade

Why I'll Never Make It as a Standup Comedian

Secure Website Authentification Questions

Mysterious Ways in Which the Lord Works

Radiohead at the Culinary Institute

Unpromising Apartment-Ad Teasers Actually Found on Craigslist That Would Make Even Less Promising Personal-Ad Teasers

Economic Concepts That Apply to My Love Life

Several Mutations Thwarted by Natural Selection

More-Realistic Names for Chex Party Mix (Based on My Personal Experience)

What Could Have Been

Evidence That Automakers Predicted Senate Hearings but Not the Outcome of the 2008 Presidential Election

Self-Analysis of Last Week's Dreams

Reasons You Might Die of Consumption in a 19th-Century Novel, in Order From Least Likely to Most Likely

Modesty Plates

New Anxiety Medications for Coping With Economic Gloom

Famous Lines From '80s Anthems Adjusted for the Cost of Living

Tenth-Graders' Favorite Suggestive Terms From Geometry

STD Medication or Character From The NeverEnding Story?

Things That Sound Like the FedEx Truck Delivering the Job-Offer Letter That Will End My Employment Drought

Parade Magazine's "What People Earn": Grimms' Fairy Tale Edition

Starting Lineup for the Fantasy Football Team "Last of the Mohicans"

Things Not to Tell Fellow Construction Workers When You're the New Guy

All I Really Need to Know I Learned in My Spam Box

Dance Dance Revolution

New Texting Acronyms for the Elderly

Three Things I'd Take to a Desert Island

Jokes I Came Up With While Recovering From Methicillin-Resistant Staphylococcus aureus

Footnotes, Endnotes, and Parentheticals That Cost Me Marks on My Thesis

T-Shirts My Ex-Boyfriends Would Wear in a More Honest World

Notable Moments at Home-School Prom

Planned Sequels to Nicolas Cage's Upcoming Film Bangkok Dangerous

Jane Austen Tries Her Hand at Advertising

Kama Suture Techniques

Parks for English Majors

New York's Best Child Doctors

I Think My Soulmate Has Done Hard Time

Pickup Lines to Use While Moving

Existential Travel Guides

Phrases I'd Rather Not Be Used at My Funeral

Neil Diamond's Shilo: Girl, Dog, or Demon?

Table Names at Our Wedding If We Were Truthful

All the Words

Reasons Why Your Retired Derby-Winning Stallion Isn't Siring

The Final Standings in a Contest to Create an Emoticon for the Most Seemingly Impossible to Depict State of Being

Selected Minutes From Lolcat City Council Meetings

30 Rocks

Performance-Review Phrases I Don't Want to Hear on Judgment Day

Intolerable Acts

Jobs That Have Salaries Arguably Incommensurate With the Work They Entail

Actual Hummer Dealerships

Lee Marvin's Blender Settings

Less Popular Alternatives to First-Person Shooters

Court Cases With Which I Am Familiar

What My Dad Is Talking About When He Yells "That's What I'm Talking 'Bout"

Categories I'd Be Sure to Win In on the Show Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?

Sex Practices of the Freelance Writer

Alternatives to Setting Your House on Fire to Avoid Foreclosure

If Horton Lived in My Neighborhood

Classes My Top-Tier Law School Should Have Offered as Warnings About the Profession

Signs Your Work Environment Is Actually Van Halen Circa 1984

Uncircumcised Men Speak About Their Foreskins

All Tomorrow's Pills

Relationship Advice I Might Give, Considering How My Last One Ended

Easy-Listening Songs From the '70s, Rewritten by the Artists After They Had Kids

Porn for Depressives

Underwhelmingly Titled Hypothetical Pro-Sports Video Games From the Early 1990s

Notes From My Grandma

Titles of Love Songs I Would Write for People Like Me

Text Messages That Would Have Been Helpful

American Gladiator or American Car Model?

Broadway Musicals Written by Gender-Studies Professors

A Comprehensive List of Third-Place Finishers for U.S. President, 2008Â–2036

Brews to Accessorize the Modern Hipster

Unremarkable Things Bent by Uri Geller

An Accidental Merging of the 2007 Billboard Year-End Hot 100 With the Operating Report From My Bowel Resection

A Picnic Date Ending in an Awkward Sexual Encounter, Told Chronologically Through Board-Game Titles

Cowboy Deaths, in Descending Order of Degree of Dignity

Unfortunate "That's What She Said" Precursors in Casual Sports

Significant Ways I Differ From Carly Simon

The Seven Laws of Higher Self-Esteem

Other Things There Will Be, in Addition to Blood

Recipes for Disaster

The 21st-Century Adventures of Tintin

NFL Players Whose Names Sound Vaguely Dickensian, and the Characters They Would Be in an Actual Dickens Novel (2007Â–2008 Regular Season Edition)

Times You're a Lady

What Pathologists Might Name Their Daughters

The Oldest Tricks in the Book

If Allen Ginsberg Had Written Pay-Per-Click Ads

Rejected Introductions to Days of Our Lives

A Brief History of the War on Terror as Told Through Song Titles of the Legendary Canadian Rock Group April Wine

Maxim Articles Rewritten as Sociology Papers

Alternate Titles for It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World

Top Ten Best Ever

Art Movements Inspired by 2008 Presidential Hopefuls

The Wages of Sin

Correspondences Between TV Characters and Sets Containing a Specified Number of Items

Band Names That, When Announced From the Stage, Elicit the Most-Tepid Responses

"Clue" Accusations, 2012

Yiddish Spam

Songs of the Beach Boys Adapted as Homeric Hymns (Circa 800 B.C.)

The Lesser-Known Slogans of Political Moderates

Rarely Used Parenthetical Statements

Twisted Sister: Where Are They Now?

James Bond Films for the George W. Bush Era

Increasingly Dangerous Cheeses

How-To Books Based on Pregnancy Bestsellers

Twenty-First-Century Computing, as Explained by My Mother

A Hillbilly Thanksgiving Menu

Lifetime Television Movies of the Future

Lowbrow TV Programming for Linguists

Billy Ray Cyrus's Remaining Daughters and the Relative Worth of Their Concert Tickets

Personals From Nonpersons

Chain Restaurants That Went Kosher

Top Hip-Hop Acts of 18th-Century England

State Mottoes for the Severely Depressed

New Romantic-Networking Websites for the Single Archaeologist

Innovative Mischief-Night Pranks You Are More Than Welcome to Play on Me

Embarrassing Costumes My Dad Wore on Trick-or-Treat Night

Dr. Caligari's Storage Areas

Things That Will Destroy My Heterosexual Marriage Long Before Gay Marriage Ever Will

Popular Song Titles Had They Been Written by Richard Wagner

Spinoffs of Dancing With the Stars for the Common Man

Possible Titles for Kanye West's Next Album

Bad News Bears

Exotic Blitzes

Horror Movies for Kids

Adjectives Rejected in Favor of "Kafkaesque"

The Songs of Lenin and McCarthy

Progressive-Rock Fans Are Terrible Trash-Talkers

Possible Titles for My Autobiography

Unpopular Poetry Anthologies by Unpopular Poets

Common Illnesses at the Vatican

Hastily Penned Books Written by High-Profile Authors in Response to a Public Disgrace

Two Lists of Complaints

Iraq-War ClichÃ©s or New Euphemisms for Taking a Crap?

Selected Reading Materials From the Waiting Room of Albert Camus, D.D.S.

Expressions for Vegans

My Film-Summary Exercises From Screenwriting Class (as Edited by My Pregnant Wife)

Thirty Illnesses, Sorted According to Whether or Not You Can Eat the Victims

Titles of Cinema Classics That Would Be Bad Titles for Pornographic Films

Vacation Slogans for Lower-Tier Towns

Phrases Commonly Used by 1950s Housewives That Were Often Misinterpreted by the Housewives' Husbands as Blatant Requests for Sex

Ways I've Let Down Popular Musicians

Grimm Fairy Tales Made Decidedly More Grim

Things Said by the Presenter of a Seminar on the Future of Color in Printing

Possible Catch Phrases for the Ending of a TV Show Called GuantÃ¡namo Five-O

Freudian Notes My Hasty Doctor Wrote in My Medical Chart

Less Successful Heavy-Metal Wedding Tribute Bands

Who Said It: Vice President Dick Cheney or Phil Leotardo From The Sopranos?

Things I Have Learned From Ex-Boyfriends

Past and Future Magazine Titles That Map Our Intellectual Decline

Alternate Fairy-Tale Endings to Take the Place of "And they lived happily ever after"

Things I Was Thinking in Hot Topic After My 3-Year-Old Daughter and I Were Greeted by a Very Provocatively Dressed Salesgirl

Lies Printed on My Waffle Iron

Two Things That Aren't Covered by Your Friend With Benefits

My Father's Harper's Index

Titles From Dr. Seuss's Brief Foray Into Realism

Four Simple Steps to Becoming More Decisive

Actual Instructions for "Demolition to Prevent Enemy Use [of Slide Projectors]," From the U.S. War Department, 1943

Signs of Impending Suicide That Hemingway's Friends May Have Overlooked

The Year After the Year of Living Dangerously

Less-Imposing Russian Rulers

Other Cereals From the Makers of Kashi's "Good Friends"

Ways in Which the Hunter Might Become the Hunted

No. 60: Improvisation / Improv / ImproÂ—Good Improv-Group Names

No. 82: Movie SpoofsÂ—Sample Dialogue (Nonporn Category)

No. 86: Novelty ItemsÂ—Some Novelty Items That Never Caught On

No. 117: Scare ComedyÂ—Dos and Don'ts

Ron Jeremy's Filmography If He Had Played the Banjo Instead of Having Anal Sex

FAQ for Dogs

Unlikely Disasters

Cultural Instances Other Than Bob Dylan's 1965 Newport Folk Festival Set When "Going Electric" Was Met With Considerable Public Outcry

Literary TV Programs Yet to Be Produced

Terms Generally Not Used by Pugilists

My Nonprofit R&B Group's Set List

Jenny's Alternate Numbers

Phrases in My Apartment Listing on Craigslist That Most Likely Hurt My Chances of Finding a Renter

The White House's Conditions Under Which Harriet Miers and Karl Rove Will Testify Before Congress

I'm Reasonably Confident I Would Beat Ken Jennings in These Jeopardy! Categories

Haiku a Bitter Duck Might Write

Thomas Hobbes's "State of Nature" Adjectives That Befit My Hangover

Titles of Songs From Pet Sounds, Translated In and Out of Japanese by Google Translate

Ways to Tell a Coral Snake From a Milk Snake

What Does Your Name Say About You?

Mundane Dreams

The Names of Snow White's Seven Dwarfs After Being Prescribed Paxil, Ritalin, Prozac, Lithium, Provigil, and Benadryl

What People Said Tornadoes Sounded Like Before the Invention of the Freight Train (in Reverse Chronological Order)

If the Beatles Were Born Today

Zen Parable or Just Someone Being Cruel?

Other Options Available on the New Poetry SUV

Words I See When I Read the Phrase "Intelligent Design" While Squinting

We Have Ways to Make You Talk

Alternate Titles to Barack Obama's Book The Audacity of Hope If It Had Been Written by President Bush

An Oversimplified List of Options in Iraq

Failed Ben & Jerry's Flavors

Probable Future Names of Hershey's Candies, Following the Progression of Kisses to Hugs

The Plot of an Adult Film, Ford F-Series, Told Chronologically Through Car Model Names

What I Think the Illegible Gang Graffiti That Was Spray-Painted Onto My Apartment Building Actually Says

Locations on My Person Where It Is Possible to Hide a Machete, According to the TSA Employee Who Patted Me Down at Flint Bishop Airport, in Flint, Michigan

Reasons for Believing We Are, in Fact, No Longer in Kansas

Topics of Conversation at My Cousin's House on Any Given Holiday

Possible Titles for Future Sue Grafton Novels After She Runs Out of Letters

Snow White and the Seven Goths

Essay Titles Crafted to Compensate for My Mediocre Writing Abilities

Clint Eastwood Film or Gay Porn?

Actual Titles of Victorian Periodicals

Musical Numbers From Fight Club! The Musical

Words Never Used in the Titles of Remotely Good Films

Long-Awaited Sequels to Aeschylus's Prometheus Bound

New Types of Whisperers Unlikely to Gain a Mainstream Following

I Can't Remember What It's Called When You Mix Up the Letters in a Word to Form a New Word

Mildly Disturbing Greeting-Card Messages

What My Father Said About Thanksgiving, What I Thought, and What He Meant

Things I Desperately Wish Women Would Say to Me on First Dates

Band Names Rejected by the Smashing Pumpkins

Opening Sentences to A Tale of Two Cities Rejected by Dickens Before He Settled on "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times ..."

Subjects of Pictures That Accurately Represent College Life, According to CollegeHumor.com's Tags on Recently Submitted Pictures

Considered but Discarded Names for the Indie Band Someone Still Loves You, Boris Yeltsin

The Only "Cute Couple" Halloween Costumes My Boyfriend and I Will Be Able to Use in Our Lifetimes, Because I Am 5'2" and He Is 6'7"

Reason for Celebrating Every Major Holiday With the In-laws, According to My Mother-in-Law

Alternate Titles for House of Flying Daggers

The Meatball Studies Major: Suggested Courses

What Members of an Increasingly Petulant Host Family Say to Foreign-Exchange Student Maloka Bibihou

Things That Get Way More Fun When You Add a "G" to Them

Things an Overbearing Mother Might Say to a Son Just Waking From a Coma

Books Written by Kurt Vonnegut While Hungry

Suggestions for a Proposed National Code of Health Emoticons and Abbreviations for Instant Messenger

Possible Titles for the Oscar-Winning "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp" If Three 6 Mafia Had Been More Introspective

Possible Titles for To Kill a Mockingbird If It Had Been Based on What My Mother Said Was Sinful

Other Long-Standing Feuds I'd Like to See Explored in a Commercial Ã la "Hi, I'm a Mac" ... "And I'm a PC"

Character From a Thomas Pynchon Novel or Someone Who Recently Sent Me Spam?

Comments on My Short Story I've Received From My Creative-Writing Classmates

Comments and Questions in My Greek History Discussion Section on Spartan Society

Variants of Walking, As Defined by the United States Department of Agriculture

Foolproof Dinner Party Icebreakers

Nicknames for Yakima: Central Washington's Crystal Methamphetamine Capital

Things My Father Has Said to Me in Crowded Restaurants

Vegetarian Alternatives to Bowling

Poorly Named Game Shows of the Middle Ages

Cities From Italo Calvino's Invisible Cities or Unique Baby Names From BabyNameWorld.com?

Nuclear Plant or Retirement Community?

Alternate Titles for O.J. Simpson's New Book

Classic Titles We Tried to Turn Into Fake Titles for O.J.'s New Book That Turned Out to Sound Too Much Like Real Titles for O.J.'s New Book

Potential Nicknames for the Star Player on My Son's Soccer Team

Reasons Selected Relationships With Women Have Failed, in Autobiographical Order, From Fifth Grade to Present

Acceptable Written Forms for the Bullwhip Sound Effect

Other Tobacco Mascots That Met With Disapproval From the American Medical Association

Phrases on the Marquee at the Local Strip Club to Cater to a More Literate Crowd

Twist Endings

Jokes Made by Robots, for Robots

Prescription Drug or Metal Band?

Self-Help Books for Hipsters

Reasons I Disagree With the Premise of the Song "A Dream Is a Wish Your Heart Makes"

Taboos Never Mentioned at Meetings of the Jane Austen Society

Daydreams I've Had About a Giant Hand and One About a Man With an Elongated Arm

Titles Still Available for Taut, Fast-Paced Legal Thrillers

Rejected Names for Nerds Candy

Creationist Astronomers Polled Regarding Pluto's Status

Jewish Holidays for Hipsters

Wikipedia Articles Longer Than "Spain"

Probable Sequels to Breakin' (1984) and Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo (1984)

The Endings of 10 Famous Novels You Always Meant to Read but Never Got Around To

They Might Be Giants, They Might NotÂ—Who Knows?

What Critics and Writers Are Saying About My New Book of Poetry, The Doberman Plot

Horror Movie Titles on a Three-Letter Budget (and Subsequent Blurbs)

PoetsÂ‚ Pet Names for Their Privates

Things You and the Cap'n Can Make Happen

St. James Parish Sewing Club Members Whose First Names Sound Like Programming Languages

Businesses That Failed to Duplicate the Success of "I Can't Believe It's Yogurt"

HAL's Comments While Trapped on a Desert Island, and Your Name Is Dave

Characters From the G.I. Joe Civil War Collection

Better Names for Rhode Island

World Leader Fonts

For the Coming Post-Chocolate-Milk Paradigm: Other Drinks That Can Be Made by Just Adding Chocolate Syrup

Ikea Product or Lord of the Rings Character?

Suggested New Names for "Curry in a Hurry" After Last Saturday's Dining Experience

Physical Characteristics I Wished My Boyfriend Possessed During Last Night's Power Outage

Original Title Suggestions by J.D. Salinger's Publisher That Could Have Been Deleterious to the Success of His Magnum Opus

Biblical Horror Movies

Lesser-Known Joe Jacksons

Ways in Which Spider-Man Does Not "Do Whatever a Spider Can"

Toddler T-Shirt Slogans

Chapter Titles for Rachel Carson's 1962 Book Silent Spring That Were Rejected for Being Too Alarmist

Philip K. Dick's Lost Submissions to Better Homes and Gardens

Small Businesses Poorly Named After Classic Literature

Alternatives, Should You Not Like PiÃ±a Coladas and Getting Caught in the Rain

Upcoming Amazing Stunts by Magician David Blaine

Some of Dan Brown's Works in Progress

What the "It" Refers to in Gatorade's "Is It in You?" Campaign

Strange Compliments I've Received Because I'm Not Very Attractive

Five Things Rick Astley Is Never Gonna Do

If Shakespeare Had Sold His Plays to Major League Baseball Instead of to the King's Men

Failed NASA Space Programs

Shows I Pitched VH1

Groups Shocked at the Revelation That Judas May Have Been Jesus' Most Loyal Disciple

Some Entirely Realistic Suggestions Following the Failures of the Quixotic "War on Drugs" and "War on Terror"

Bullet Points Written on a Conference Room Easel, Left Over From a Meeting at Which I Wish I Had Been Present

Lost Causes

Board Games Inspired by the Bush Administration

Hoover Dam Fast-Fact Pamphlet If Hoover Dam Were a Scale Model Made of Legos

Actual Month-by-Month Headlines From the Past Year of the Gmail Sidebar Advertisements That Google Determined Were Relevant to My Life by Matching Them to Keywords in My E-Mails

Avian Maladies Commonly Misdiagnosed as Bird Flu

Transformers No One Bought

Disneyland Rides If Disney Were Bought Out by the Campbell Soup Company

Plot Synopses for Episodes of a Gilligan's Island Remake Starring Members of the Bush Administration

That's So Raven

People Who Know My Sins

If Anchorage, Alaska, Had Been Named by Someone Less Upbeat About Life at Sea

Apparent Passions of My Upstairs Neighbors

Oscar Picks for Best Actor, 2025

Roller-Derby Pseudonyms for Literature Majors

What People Were Saying About Me at the Party I Had to Miss Because I Was on a Flight Home From Chicago

Comeback T-Shirts for "I'm With Stupid" T-Shirts

Reasons Not to Fear the Reaper

Possible Marketing Gimmicks That Took the NBA From "Earn 3 A's and Get FREE Tickets" to "Guns for Tickets" in Only 20 Years

Mobile-Phone Models That Improve Upon the RAZR, SLVR, and PEBL

Where I Would Look for Hungry, Hungry Hippos

Prior Miles Davis Albums

Rejected Marketing Slogans for National Poetry Month

Popular Musicians If England Had Won the Revolutionary War

Habits That Are Harder to Break Than Peter Cetera's Ex-Girlfriend

Good Advice From a Grand Theft Auto Dating FAQ

Signs That America May Be Having a Love Affair With the Automobile

Possible Names for a Child Conceived by an Almond Fanatic and a Lover of the Movie Young Guns

Unpublished Sequels to Famous Science-Fiction Novels

Song Ideas for My Next Album

Complete List of Creatures in a Land Called Honah Lee

Unfortunate Ballpark Promotions

Diseases I'm Glad Aren't Sexually Transmitted

Inefficient Units of Currency

What God Does in Her Spare Time

Rats' Asses Given

The Future of Paper Plates

Common Enemies of the Paperboy, According to the Nintendo Game of the Same Name

Common Phrases Not Written in My High-School Yearbook, for a Multitude of Reasons

Titles of Songs I Could Credibly Write If I Became a Rap Star

Medical Maladies Less Well Known Than Lou Gehrig's Disease That Are Also Named After Athletes

Sleeper Asbestos-Containing Products the Discovery of Whose Fatal Fiber Emissions Would Trigger Mass Panic

Natural Rock Features Named by an Overwrought Mother Hired by the National Park Service

Frank McCourt's American History Class: Course Syllabus

Perks No Longer Allowed to Congress Under the New Proposed Ethics Code

Reasons I Stand by My Decision to Pick Seton Hall to Make the Final Four of the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament Despite Their 20-Point Loss to Wichita State in the First Round

Other Names Sting Could Go By, as Suggested by My Thesaurus

Hit Songs of the 1970s and '80s If the South Had Won the Civil War

Possible Reasons My Short Stories Are So Poorly Reviewed by the Other Members of My Writers' Workshop

Linebackers Who Are Twice as Good as Mike Singletary

Things I Might Be Convinced to Give My Left Arm For

Reasons the Little Teapot Was Picked On in High School

Things I Could Have Said When the Strap on My Israeli Paratrooper Bag Broke If I'd Known the Outcome of Whichever War It Was Used In

Sample Emoticons for e-Kicking Someone in the e-Balls

What the People Who Used to Live in My House Apparently Said to Each Other Before Selling It to Me

Victoria's Secret

Things That Are Beyond the Pale

Other Signs Held Up by Olympic Moguls Skier Toby Dawson's Mom Besides "GOOD LUCK, TOBY DAWSON!"

Smart Sequels and Spinoffs That Failed With the 18-to-34-Year-Old Demographic

A Gay Cowboy's Top 10 Movies of 2005

Possible Titles for an Actual A&E Network Documentary on a Murder Case in Battle Creek, Michigan

Selected Entries From the Index to the Owner's Handbook of the 2000 Saturn S-Series Sedan

Upcoming Jean-Claude Van Damme Film Titles That Show a Lack of Imagination on the Part of the Director and Screenwriters

Anticipated Sequels to the Children's Book Everyone Poops

Nonviolent Westerns

Hot New Color Trends for 2006

Activities That Might Prove More Practical Than Cleaning My Gas Mask Once a Month as the Army Suggests

Terrifying Bioengineered Animal-Snack Hybrids Not Mentioned as Potential Threats During the State of the Union Address

Last Night's Top Five Alphabet-Soup Spoonfuls

Unlikely World War II Fighter Squadron Names

Brian Wilson's First Five Suggestions for the Name of the Album That Would Be Called Pet Sounds

Responses to People on the 6 Train That Hopefully Convey My Feelings in a Polite Way

Secret Canadian Superweapons in Development

Less Powerful Industry Lobbying Groups

What the Corinthians Wrote Back to the Apostle Paul

Names for Your Transgendered Baby

Things You Can Do If You Love Jesus Other Than Honk

What You Gon' Do With All That Junk Inside That Trunk?

Geometric Relationships More Realistic Than the Love Triangle

Twelve Phrases Involving Al Roker That Return Only One Hit on Google

If Poets Named Breakfast Cereals

Places Where I Can Find a Woman Like Jesse's Girl, Years Later

"Love" Songs Replaced With Danny Glover

Unpleasant Questions to Be Asked at the End of a Meal

Dr. Phil's Inventions

Words and Phrases I Hope Never Appear in Front of My Name in Print

Things My Girlfriend Did Not Say After I Told Her That I Sometimes Feel Stuck

Affirmations Google Should Consider Putting on Its Search Button Other Than "I'm Feeling Lucky"

New Year's Resolutions

Advice You'll Never Get From OnStar

Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places

Scary Moments in Human/Robot Relations in Nonchronological Order

Places to Which Eddie Murphy's Character in Coming to America Would Want to Move If, Instead of a Queen, He Wanted to Find a Prostitute

Most Popular Hobbies in Ancient Rome as Portrayed in HBO's Rome

Possible First Names for Count Chocula

Things I Thought About Telling My Husband I Was Thinking About When He Asked What I Was Thinking About While I Was Actually Thinking About Having Babies

Questions You Should Ask Someone Who Calls in a Bomb Threat, According to the "Life Safety Manual" at My Office Building in Chicago

Amended Tag Lines for Arby's

Milton Bradley's Secret Invasion Orders for the Attack on Boston Harbor

Selected Comments From a British Web Discussion Forum Entitled "Protecting Your Home From CriminalsÂ—How Far Would You Go?"

Ideas for Creating American Jobs That Are Better Than the 735,000 Jobs Promised If Drilling Is Allowed in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge

Socially Awkward Situations During Which It Would Be Acceptable to Mess With Texas

Working Titles for a Movie About an Openly Gay Quarterback Who Leads His Team to the Super Bowl After Being Thrust Into Action Midseason When the Regular Starter Went Down

Intimidating but Rejected Sports-Team Names

Bruce Springsteen Songs, If the Title More Accurately Reflected the Subject Matter

Movies That Won't Be Shown on the Lifetime Network

Forthcoming Books in the Increasingly Mature Harry Potter Series

If Beasts Were Breasts in the Bookstore

Some Additional Polar Ambulations

Least Reputable Charities

Great Books of the 20th Century, as Reviewed by My Boss

Reasons Bloggers Hate the Mainstream Media

Comments From the Crowd Gathering Around the Body of Phidippides, Reporter of the Greek Victory Over the Persians at Marathon, Soon After He Gasped, "We Won," and Died

What I Like About You

Rejected Bond Girls

My Rejected Cooking Show Ideas

Leonard Cohen's Seven Immutable Laws of Business

Other Places Jimmy Buffett Wasted Away

Subjects of "Light Bulb" Jokes That Will Probably Lead to Boring Punch Lines

Five Ill-Fated Store Names

The Names of the President and the Members of the Presidential Cabinet According to the Etymological Backgrounds of Their First and Last Names, and of Their Middle Names When Available

If Yosemite Sam's Curses Were Considered Real Profanity and Were Dubbed Over for Television in the Same Clumsy, Unconvincing Manner as 1980s R-Rated Movies

Ways in Which the Disinterred Corpse of Silent-Film Actor Lon Chaney Would Be a Better Vice President Than Dick Cheney

As Yet Unrecognized by Microsoft Windows

Fruit-Drink Flavors That Never Took Off

Things You Would Say If You Had a Time Machine and Lots of Financial Problems

State Songs, If They All Suggested the Apathy of Idaho's "Here We Have Idaho"

Ed Harrelson, Teen-Driver's-Education Instructor

7 Habits of Highly Successful People

Stories About My Puma

Companies at the Vanguard of the New Era in Christian Marketing

What Thoreau Is Missing

I Can Never Recall the Name of Brooklyn's New Hip Band

Methods Other Than Song by Which One Can Be Killed Softly

Modern Air-Guitar Alternatives

Excerpts From the "Band Members Wanted" Section of the New York Musicians' Exchange (Circa 1987)

Poker Terminology I Feel I Could Get Away With Saying If I Ever Played a Tournament

Things Hagrid the Half-Giant Would Say If He Served Jesus Instead of Harry Potter

Not-So-Good Names for Murder Mysteries

Places You Might Find Jesus

Directors' Commentaries From My DVD Collection

Totalitarian Institutions That Would Have Been More Fitting for George Orwell's 1984, Considering How That Year Turned Out

Chapter Titles From My Creationist Textbook

Klingon Fairy Tales

Things Koala Bears Would Say

Poorly Selling T-Shirts

Elements Waiting Patiently for Inclusion on the Periodic Table

Ways One Could, in Theory, Fight the Seether

Nonverbal Cues in Bizarro's World

Things My Brother Has That I Don't

Ten Precepts From The Art of War That Never Made It Past Sun Tzu's Editor

Acts Prohibited by the U.S. House of Representatives' Proposed Flag-Burning Amendment

Less-Threatening Islamist Groups

Seven Band Names That Would Be Impossible to Book

Lesser-Known Movie Prequels

The Stages of All My Romantic Relationships as Described by Hall and Oates Song Titles

Obscenities Uttered by Jesus Christ

Things My Boss Said to Me Without Elaborating

Special-Interest Bike Shops

Admirable Activities for Suburban Residents That Sound Wholly Unremarkable When Performed by Superheroes

Twelve Sequels to Dances With Wolves That, Due to Monetary Constraints, Were Never Produced

Other Things the Road to Hell Is Paved With

Things This One Girl Sitting Near Me in a Movie Theater Said Out Loud When One of the Characters Was Shown Pulling Into a Gas Station

Rides From the Amusement Park of My Collective Memory

Things Pandora Could Have Opened That Wouldn't Have Produced Such Unpleasant Results

Unhelpful Clues Given by Jan-Michael Vincent During an October 1983 Taping of The New $25,000 Pyramid Where the Category to Be Guessed Was "Things You Do at a Party"

My Personal Mottoes

What to Think About When Two "Grown Adults" Come and Complain to You About How They Cannot Get Along With Each Other at Work

Things My Family Prefers Over Gay Marriage

Authorial Candy Bars, With Their Respective Tag Lines, That Weren't as Successful as the Oh Henry! Candy Bar

Christmas Presents I Would Consider Giving Mr. Belvedere Were He My Personal Manservant

The Mall's Banana Republics for the New Millennium

The Extended Family of Thespian Rip Torn

Future Winners of the New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest

The Most Beautiful Men in the World

Things Not Overheard at a Conceptual-Art Gallery Opening

Ad Slogans That Would Be Perfect for Levitra, But, Unfortunately, They Have Already Been Used

Actual Examples of Model Conversational Phrases That the Travel Guide Les Etats-Unis Dans Votre Poche: Edition Bilingue (Haiter, 1980) Felt Were So Central to the Experiences Likely to be Undergone by French Visitors to America That It Included Them on Its Companion Study Cassette Tape

Half-Assed Erotic Film Classics

Things That, If Knowing Is Half the Battle, Might Be the Other Half

Top Three Things Q*bert Is Pissed About Today

Discarded Titles for Toni Braxton's 1996 Hit "Unbreak My Heart"

How Other School Subjects Would Be Spelled by People Who Refer to the Three R's As "Reading, 'Riting, and 'Rithmetic"

Fish Names That Sound Like Unfortunate 7th-Graders

Boner: Noun, Informal, a Blunder or an Error

Errors in Communication Between My Hairdresser and Me, in the Form of What I Said and What He Heard

How to Tell If Your Vegetarian Girlfriend Has Been Sneaking Meat

Pickup Lines: The First Drafts

Popular Singers Inspired by Fats Domino and Chubby Checker

Fun Facts About Chinese President Hu Jintao, as Conveyed by American Culture

Upcoming and Much-Needed Thomas Frank Titles

Reasons I Don't Feel Like I'm Family When at the Olive Garden

Things That Are Just Barely Thicker Than Peter Gallagher's Eyebrows

Pickup Lines Used by Mario

Embarrassing Things That Might Happen to You While Using a Lightsaber

Ways in Which Free to Be You and Me Damaged My Future Relationships With Women

Folk Instruments or B-Movie Monsters Fought by Gamera?

Soup Blurbs

Movies Russ Meyer Could Have Produced to Make a Government's Budget Process Appear More Exciting

Jobs Mickey Goldmill Got Fired From Before Becoming Rocky Balboa's Beloved Coach

Tools or Actions in Photoshop That, Were They Applicable to Real Life, Would Prove Useful at Various Stages of a Relationship

Comments Overheard at a Brainstorming Meeting Between Ted Nugent and the Editors of Gourmet MagazineWhere They Were Discussing the Upcoming Book Gourmet Magazine's Vegan Cooking With Ted Nugent

Things Heard During John Cage's Folsom Prison Performance of "4'33""

Three Items at the Supermarket I See in a New Way, Now That I've Read Some Books on Literary Theory

Song Titles, Before Editing for Language Efficiency and Clarity

Selections From the Beatles' Catalog, Had the Band Evolved Not Toward the Adoption of a More Experimental Sound in Its Later Years, but Into Rorqual Whales

From the Prog Rock Ice Cream Shoppe: Flavors Inspired by a Certain Canadian Power Trio

New Radiohead Material to Be Debuted at a Benefit Show to Protest Privatization of the Postal Sector

Things I Cannot Say to My Unpaid Interns As It Would Make Me Look Like an Ungrateful Bitch

Things I Imagine My Boss Does When He Goes Home for the Night

Last Names Clearly Derived From Ancestral Professions

The Settings That Would Be On a Blender Today If the Blender Had Been Invented, Say, 100 Years Before Its Actual Invention Date of 1922

Good Casino Ads / Bad Things for Someone to Say About Your Mom

Reasons We Can't Have a Baby, Honey

Titles of Sermons to Which Congregants Might Actually Pay Attention

Translated Thoughts and Questions That Are Running Through a North Korean Refugee's Mind When He Is Awarded Political Asylum in the United States, Settles Down, Turns on the Television, and the First Thing He Sees Is a Fancy Feast Cat-Food Commercial

Actual Ways I Have Been Flirted With That, in the Future, I Wish You Would Refrain From, With Explanations as to Why, and Suggestions for Alternative Methods

Things This City Was Built On, Besides Rock 'n' Roll

Fortune-Cookie Sayings That Are Misleading and, At Times, Dangerous When Used as Road Signs

Kanye West's Lyric "The Way School Need Teachers / The Way Kathie Lee Needed Regis / That's the Way I Need Jesus," Adapted for Other Religions

Reasons to Fear Canada

The Next Thing Said After Select Famous Phrases

Chapter Headings on the Directions for IRS Form 1040 That Will Become the Titles of Best-Selling Thrillers by John Grisham, C.P.A.

Things You Will Still Be Able to Do After the Collapse of Society As We Know It, Provided Your Postapocalyptic Vision Aligns With Kevin Costner's

Sentences That, If Used by Judges in a Spelling Bee, Would Prove Totally Unhelpful to Contestants Attempting to Derive the Meaning of the Word

Selected Passages From the Bible: The King (Fred) Phelps Version

Things That Did Not Stay in Vegas

What I Learned Listening to AM Radio

Live-Action Role-Playing Spells I Could Really Use, Right Now

What I Thought a Co-worker Meant When She Said "I Hope Things Don't Get Weird" After We Had Sex, and What She Really Meant, It Turns Out

Sex Is Like Pizza Because ...

Bartlett's Familiar Quotations

'80s Lineups That Read Like Tabloid Headlines

Jean-Claude Van Damme's Kickboxer, or the Belligerent Asshole Who Just Cost Me My Job at the Bar?

Ten Very Hip Poems That Didn't Go Over So Well at the Poetry Slam Last Weekend

Sure Signs Your Vegan Co-op Has Been Taken Over by the Marx Brothers

Self-Delusional Statements Made by My First (And Hopefully Last) Ex-FiancÃ©

Unspoken Afterthoughts to Childhood Catch Phrases

Three Things I Learned While Using the Lavatory at Local Boston-Area Restaurants

Failed Soft-Drink Product Names

Example Sentences From A Chinese-English Dictionary (Revised Edition), Beijing: Foreign Languages Teaching and Research Press, 1997

The Primary Series of Poses in Yoga for Depressives

Types of People and Things That Have Been Shot by Charles Bronson

Dance Moves the Man-Mountain Standing in Front of Me at Beastie Boys Last Night Amused Bystanders With and How One Might "Feel" If One Performed Them

Cinematic Expressions of Inner Self-Loathing If There Were No Mirrors to Smash

A List of Phrases, Common in Our Language, That Become Awkward in a Dimension of Unending Pain

Clocks Ranked According to the Ease With Which One Can Tell Time From Them (Easiest to Hardest)

Names That Could Possibly Pass as Cries of Passion If Accidentally Yelled During Sex With Anyone Not So Named

Seven Items Found in Hugh Hefner's Overnight Bag

Things You Don't Expect to Find on a McDonald's Reader-Board Menu

Current Football Players If They Decided to Spell Their Last Name Like Brett Favre

Western States Maladies

Thirteen Leading Synonyms for "Deliverables" in 2005

Names Gas-Station Attendants Call Me That Leave Me Feeling Both Slightly Superior and Subtly Overwhelmed

Adjectives Rarely Used by Wine Tasters

The Collected Apologies of Lawrence H. Summers, President of Harvard

Possible New Terms for the Old and Tired Term "Brainstorming"

Nonrecommended Questions for Your Five-Minute Speed Date

Terminology From a Veterinary Textbook and Potential Names for Hardcore Bands

Last Lines From Best American Short Stories Not Yet Written

Banned Books in the Year 2191

Things That Paper Could Be Replaced With to Make Rock, Paper, Scissors More Believable

Things You Don't Expect to See on a Baby Shower Announcement

Muppets That Didn't Make It

Ways Jesus Saves

Extreme Ways to Break Your Arm

Little-Known Song Titles That Answer Questions Posed in Better-Known Songs

Four Ways in Which My Life Is Just Like Pac-Man's

Revised Titles of Love Songs I Wrote About the Shitty Bookshelf I Purchased From Wal-Mart (in Chronological Order)

Ways in Which She Could Have Blinded Me With Science

NFL Mascots That Could Not Actually Wear a Football Helmet Without Suffocating

Titles From the Hockey-Lockout Erotica Library

Food and Drink Combinations That Would Make a Horrible Afterschool Snack but a Great Buddy Cop Team

Airlines That Never Took Off

Necrophiliac Pickup Lines

Alternate Captions for Seven Family Circus Cartoons

Imperatives From the Mail-Order Catalog "Collections, Inc."

Seldom-Seen Lunchbox Notes From Mothers

New State Names Resulting From the Coming Wave of Mergers and Acquisitions

Play-by-Play of Classic Sports Rivalries If the Team Names Actually Represented the Combatants. And Also, Instead of Playing the Sport, They're Fighting to the Death

Psychic Predictions From the Narcissistic Magic 8 Ball

Ten Things the Guy at Starbucks Is Thinking While Looking at the Brunette Barista Behind the Counter

Famous Names Rewritten in a World Greatly Influenced by the Main Character of a 1982 Disney Movie

Discarded Titles for George Orwell's 1984

Things I'd Probably Say If the Bush Administration Were Just a Weekly TV Show and I Were a Regular Viewer

The Hierarchy of Candy

Amazon.com Customer Comments: Bible or Satanic Bible?

Leaders of the Hip-Hop Nation

Songs I Might Perform During a Cabaret Act Designed to Break Gently to My Mother That I Am a Crossdresser

Scratch-and-Sniff Books That Have Failed the Test of Time

Actual Opening Lines Used on Me by Business-to-Business Telemarketers

Ill-Fated Ideas Borne of a Hallmark Brainstorming Session

A List of Actual Quotes Taken From the Directions and Mission Statements of Organic Products Belonging to My Vegan Roommate

Two Bugs on Display at the Montreal Insectarium, the First of Which I Thought Very Impressive Until I Saw the Second

Alternatives to "Opening a Can o' Whupass" for the Less Confrontationally Inclined

Richard Rodgers' Neighborhood

Popular Songs Renamed Along the Lines of the Cattlemen's Beef Board Ad Campaign "Beef, It's What's for Dinner"

Culinary Trends That Never Quite Caught On

Failed Comic Strips

Disingenuous Reasons for Band Names ('70s Edition)

Rap Act or Gay-Rights Advocacy Group?

Excerpts From 2004 Summer-Movie Reviews That Also Describe Tom Morello's Guitar Work on the Debut Rage Against the Machine Album

Names of University of Oklahoma Football Players, Past and Present, That Sound Like Characters From Dr. Strangelove

Guide to Determine If You Are in a Jerry Bruckheimer Movie

Now Playing at the Zombietown 12-Screen Cineplex

Your Seat Cushion Doubles as a Personal Flotation Device in the Event of a Water Landing, but Other Airplane Items May Be Useful as Well

TV Catch Phrases That Weren't

Films That May Be More Interesting With a Letter or Two Missing

New Slogans for America to Use to Sell Itself to the Islamic World

Things Arlen Specter Could Do in Order to Secure the Chairmanship of the Senate Judicial Committee (In Ascending Order of Effectiveness)

Lists: Deflation/Inflation

Mildly Upsetting Fortune-Cookie Messages

56 Uncommon Baby Names for Boys, Culled From the Index of Volume 3 of Master of the Senate, Robert Caro's Biography of Lyndon Johnson

I Lack the Physical Ability to Be in the NFL but I More Than Make Up for It With My Innovation in the Area of Touchdown Celebrations

Words to Know When Listening to German Industrial Music

Signs Your Doctor May Be Coming On to You

Why the Lone Ranger Gave Up His Cell Phone

Why Hollywood Hates the Metric System

Other Things Donna Summer Might Have Been Seeking When Singing "Hot Stuff"

Cruel Nicknames for Overweight Vampires

Rappers I Thought Were Asian

Action Verbs to Use Sparingly on ResumÃ©s

Sentences Containing Surfing Terms That May Be Uttered After Drinking Coffee on an Empty Stomach

General Broadcasting Standards Concerning Upper-Torso Nudity

What Not to Be in the Middle of When the Earthquake Comes

First Names of Women Who Probably Shouldn't Marry Me, Given My Surname

Candidates Running in the 2004 General Election Whose Names Feature Food or Drink

Campaign-Trail Quotes From George W. Bush, If He Were Running for President in 1848

Rejected Names for Smokeless Tobacco Products

Versions of Well-Known Films in Which the Protagonist Has Been Replaced With Leon Trotsky

Dissertation Titles That Suggest the Author Was Preoccupied With Other Issues at the Time of Writing

Inappropriate "Do It" Slogans

Recent Occurrences at Owl Creek Bridge

Prince Song or Inspirational Signage Outside Byron United Covenant Church?

The Search Continues: Places Where O.J. Simpson Has Not Found the Killer

Bands and Musicians Whose Careers Would Be Quite Different Had They Initially Misspelled Their Own Names

Names of Cheeses Inspired by Star Wars Characters

Republican Dozens

Titles of Hardy Boys Books in Which the Villain Could Have Turned Out to Be George W. Bush

Nine Lessons Learned From Baseball on the Radio

Early Incarnations of Fat Joe's Instructional Dance Hit "Lean Back"

Things Anaheim Angels Outfielder Vladimir Guerrero Could Have Used as an Underprivileged Child Instead of Sticks for Bats and Lemons Wrapped in Rags for Balls

Contenders Who Vied With Thunder From Down Under to Be the Featured All-Male Revue at Las Vegas's Excalibur Casino

What a Difference a Year Makes

Alternative Names for MoveOn.org

Moons That Orbit Distant Planets or Female Birth Control Brand Names?

Some Possibilities in a Half-Hearted Campaign to Rename the Middle West

Really Boring Books for Children

Old Bumper Stickers Updated

A List of Five Favorite Heresies of the Roman Catholic Church, Disguised in the Form of Unused Episode Titles for the Hit Situation Comedy Friends, and Their Dates

Secrets Revealed During VH1's "I Love the '90s"

Letters That Have Never Brought You an Episode of Sesame Street

How to Tell If Your Employer Has You Under Surveillance

Actual Superheroes From the Pages of International and Obscure Comic Books Who Are Unlikely to See Their Origin Stories Developed Into Movies

Twenty Underused Yoga Positions

Recent and Past Headlines From the Arusha Times, in Arusha, Tanzania

Lame Excuses Roommate Has Given for Breaking Dates or the Smiths Lyrics?

Musical Styles That Never Caught On

Songs That Wouldn't Have Been Hits If They'd Been Grammatically Correct

Most Common Recurring Dreams of the Cicada

Armed Band of Thugs or Minor Star Wars Character?

Golf Course Names That Sound Dirty

The Most Memorable Comments Actually Overheard During My Medical Training, Thus Far

This Bible You Sold Me Is Clearly Defective and I'd Like to Return It, Please

Paint Color or Rapper?

UNIX Application or Outlawed Paramilitary/Guerrilla Organization?

Proposed Titles for a Remake of Bend It Like Beckham, Using Croatian Players in the Titles

Guide to Determining If You Are Constantly Being Mauled by Bears

Guided by Voices Song Titles That Could Double as Chapter Headings in Al Qaeda Training Manuals

Lyrics From Pavement's Slanted and Enchanted That Sound Like They Belonged in President Bush's Convention Acceptance Speech

Lyrics From Pavement's Slanted and Enchanted That Sound Like They Could Be Slogans Shouted by Protesters During the Republican National Convention Speeches

Dave Matthews Band Lyrics That Take On New Meaning in Light of the Recent Brouhaha Surrounding One of Its Bus Drivers, Who Allegedly Dumped the Contents of the Excrement Tank off of a Chicago River Bridge and Onto the Deck of a Tour Boat

Alternatives to the "LOVE HATE" Knuckle Tattoo in Order of Increasing Rarity

Lines Not Used in Coors Light's "Accomplishments" Advertising Campaign

Very Wrong Ways to Eat a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup

E-mail Addresses It Would Be Really Annoying to Give Out Over the Phone

Horrible Movies Made Worse by an Infusion of Political Agenda

Horse Equipment or Dance From the '60s?

VH1's Top 10 Songs of the Last 25 Years, Rearranged Into Eight Better Songs

Hip-Hop Artist or Entry on U.S. Government Terrorist Watch List?

Words That Could Conceivably Be Used to Describe Both Sherpas and Sherbet

Oft-Overlooked Benefits Enjoyed by Men with Female Names

Logging Terms You Wouldn't Want to Use at a Debutante Ball

Things Which Smell Good, but Which Nevertheless Should Not Be Made Into Candle Scents

The New Superstitions: M&M Colors and the Conditions They Cause

Reasons to Use the New Aquafresh Extreme Clean Toothpaste with Micro-active Foaming Action (from Advertisements, News Releases, and the Product-Safety Data Sheet)

New Names for Previously Recalled Pharmaceuticals Being Remarketed to Take Advantage of Their Side Effects

Selected Intriguing Names of Actual Federal Legislation: The A's

Whitney Houston Song Titles With "Love" Replaced by "Drug(s)"

Classic Movie Lines That, Without Proper Editing, Would Not Have Been So Classic

Alien vs. Predator

Favorite Gerund Movie Titles, Un-gerunded

Variations on "Spanking the Monkey" That Enable It to Apply to Female Masturbation

Sexual Euphemisms That Won't Catch On

Featured Attractions at This Year's Department of Homeland Security Pep Rally

Sentences and Short Dialogues Incorporating Names of Countries in the Middle East

Most Popular Performers on an Iraqi Insurgency Variety Show

Life Lessons (a.k.a. Tips From the Mario Brothers Instruction Booklet)

A Hand-by-Hand Description of My Face During a Recent Poker Tournament

Hair Salon Names That Would Also Work as Steven Seagal Movies

Levels of the Mercalli Scale of Seismic Intensity Whose Descriptions Roughly Approximate the Effects of Consuming a Commensurate Number of Beers

Possible Names for a Third Team of Pickup Basketball Players If Shirts and Skins Are Already Taken

Fake Samarian Gods Referenced in the Motion Picture Ghostbusters, or Surnames of Professional Hockey Players

Other Statements at Concerts That Caused Riots

Things I'd Rather Do Than Go See Catwoman

Free Zingers for George W. Bush to Use During His Debates with John Kerry

Quotes From the Announcers of Wrestlemania XX Which Were, but Should Not Have Been, Meant in All Seriousness

A Hard Day's Night

Car Names Which, When Preceded by the Word "Anal," Sound Like Bad Porn

Good Names for Vicious Dogs

What's Up Next for Jack Layton's Mustache?

A Collection of Unpublished Hospital Greeting Cards Meant to Ease Patients' Fears About Their Looming Surgeries

Cosmetic Surgery I Would Recommend to the Single Women Who Own Dogs in My Neighborhood Based on What Max, My Border Collie/Lab Mix, Seems To Like

Playlists on Dick Cheney's iPod

If Charles Bukowski Had Written Children's Books

Little-Known Nancy Drew Titles

Downsized Works of Literature

If All Characters Were Named After Places in Maine

What the Stock Pages Would Look Like if Businesses Chose Ticker Abbreviations the Way Bar Patrons Choose Initials for Arcade-Game High-Score Lists

Andrew W.K.'s Inspirational Website Messages or Charles Manson's Poetry?

Words That at First Glance Appear to be The Names of Warring Populations in Bad Science-Fiction Novels, but are Actually Strange Marsupials

Russian Bolshevik Slogan or Prince Incarnation?

Words Preceding "Fuck" in Ice-T's "Cop Killer"

Judy Blume's Lesser-Known Philosophy Texts

List of Soothing Musical Terms or Potentially Deadly Biological Weapons

Punchlines Suggested by Ashton Kutcher for Punk'd that Were Rejected Due to Their Archaic Nature

Dialects of the Common Bumblebee

Plant-Animal Hybrids that May Result from Genetic Engineering

What I Actually Mean When I Say I Love You: Thirty Scenarios

Wasploitation Flicks

Eighteen Very Early and Oft-Forgotten James Bond Films

Erotic Presidential Names

Popular Song Titles which Have Been Altered So as Not to Offend the Very Prudish

Love Isn't...

C-Span Reality Show Ideas Seeking to Capitalize on the Popularity of VH1's Bands Reunited

Apart from an Angel Getting Its Wings, Other Things That Happen Every Time a Bell Rings.

Excerpts from Love: Family Style — How to Have a Happy Home By Dr. Clarence W. Kerr with Nathanael Olson, Cited Here in Support of President Bush's Marriage-Advocacy Initiatives or the Blessed Institution of (Heterosexual) Marriage

Biological Terms or Theories that Sound Made Up

Playground Toys Unsuitable for Children

My Heart Belongs to Puff Daddy: Proposed New Names for Sean "P. Diddy" Combs in Honor of St. Valentine's Day

Sensations I Would Have Gladly Endured for a Full Thirty Minutes in Lieu of the Eight Months of Constant Discomfort Resulting from a Pinched Sciatic Nerve (the Longest Nerve in the Body)

Rethinking Horse Proverbs

Recently Purchased Fruits that Are Hairy on the Inside or Outside

Kentucky Derby Winner or Kentucky Headhunters Song Title

Selections from the Nixon/Haldeman Conversations of a Somewhat Compromised Historical Significance

Selected Messages from the More than 600 Posted on Yahoo News in Response to a Story About the University of Wisconsin at Madison Developing an Ultraviolet Laser to Slice Cheese by "Blasting Apart the Molecular Bonds"

More Actual Entries From Cab Calloway's Hepster's Dictionary, Revised 1939 Edition

Twenty Miscellaneous Authors from My Dorm Bookshelf, with Corresponding Airport Codes

Bad Names for Undercover Police Officers

Titles of B-Movie Westerns that Give the Impression the West Was Wilder than Previously Imagined

Currently Available Stock Symbols that Might Lead to an Underwhelming IPO.

Anachronisms in Russell Crowe's Films

Alcoholics Anonymous Slogans as Eleven Murder Mystery Titles and One Spy Thriller Title

Random Passages Culled from Novels I Edited While Working at a Vanity Press

Grammatically Incorrect Sentences in the Space of Four Paragraphs in One Lesson of the Indiana Aware Driver Hoosier Ez Course Online Traffic School

Possible Rhymes by Ice Cube After Being Knighted by the Queen

Gospel Song Titles that Sound Dirty

Suggested Masters Thesis Titles Making Use of Puns on a 1983 Marvin Gaye Classic

Frequently Asked Questions About Expungements, According to the Website www.uslawbooks.com

Selected Ohio University Undergraduate Honors Thesis Titles, 1999-Present, as Found on the Ohio University Honors Tutorial Website

Reported Legal Case Opinions Pertaining to or Mentioning Coleslaw

Rejected Titles for Teen-Health Pamphlets

Eight Ways to Not Get Hit In the Face with a Brick

Elvish Or Yiddish?

Adjectives that, Depressingly, Apply to Various Products In My Bathroom but Not to Me, Personally

PGA Golfers Who Might Have a Future in the Porn Industry

Words That Could Conceivably Be Used to Describe Both Scalps and Scallops

Other Unfortunate Uses for Johnny Cash Songs

Duck, Duck, Goose

Hexadecimal Color Codes in HTML That Look or Sound Dirty, But Are in Fact Merely Colorful

Things Editorial Assistants Should Never Say to Senior Editors

New Age Statements From Breakdancing: Mr. Fresh and the Supreme Rockers Show You How to Do It! (Avon Books, 1984)

Possible Good Rock Band Names Inspired by the Korean Central News Agency's Press Release Entitled "DPRK, Dignified Powerful Nation"

Major Hollywood Productions that Kill Off the Only, or Only Important, Black Character in the Film

Actual Dialogue from Radio Commercials That I've Been Asked to Deliver "Believably" As If Normal People Would Say Such Things.

Reasons You Should Not Place Your Foot onto the Street When a Car Is Coming, Even If You Are Curious About How It Would Feel If a Car Ran over Your Foot

Shakespearean Magnet Poetry and Eighties Hair Bands

Places I've Walked Into with a Confident Swagger Despite Public Warning

New Movie Reviews from Ebert & Roeper

Who and What Was Most Likely Responsible for the Births of Our Current Democratic Presidential Candidates

Quotes from Either President of the United States George W. Bush or Senator/Chancellor/Emperor Palpatine from the Star Wars Movies

Seven Vaguely Dickensian Yet Sophomorically Inappropriate Proper Names, Two Legitimate Dickensian Characters, and One U.S. State — Or "The Dickens Cider Bleak House Rules"

Food, Drink, and Condiment Names That May Also Serve as Names of Ecdysiasts and/or Adult Film Stars

My Attempt to Further Depress a Particularly Unfunny List, Sent to Me by Someone at Work, by Making Random Remarks

Possible Restaurant Names For a Themed Slot-Machine/Race-Car/Tokens-And-Prizes Establishment That Has an Overwhelming Amount of Seafood Dishes On the Menu

Androgynous Names of Former Toronto Blue Jays

Ways This Flight Might Yet Be the Death of Me

Three People I Was Surprised to Find Mentioned in a Review of John G. Papastavridis's "Analytical Mechanics: A Comprehensive Treatise on the Dynamics of Constrained Systems; for Engineers, Physicists and Mathematicians," in the Bulletin of the American Mathematical Society, in Order of Appearance

Harry Potter Spell or Psychotropic Medication?

Lesser-known DC Comics Characters or "As Seen on TV" Products?

College A Capella Groups, Sorted by Major College-Football Rivalries

Adjective and Noun Combinations Considered and Then Discarded in Favor of "Black Betty" in the Song "Black Betty," Which Is Perhaps Better Known as "Whoa! Black Betty! Bam-ba-Lam"

Track List of an Air Supply Greatest Hits Compilation in an Alternate Universe Where the Concept of "Love" Is Expressed by the Words Partially Hydrogenated Corn Syrup

Suggested Names for Religious Rap Artists

Yakov Smirnoff Joke or Offensive to Russians?

Famous Predictions

Headlines in the Sports Section of My College Newspaper That Seemed Funny at the Time, But in Retrospect Were Probably Just Unnecessarily Mean-Spirited

Rejected Titles Suggested by Clay Aiken for Ruben Studdard's Debut Album

Working Titles for Sly and the Family Stone's "Thank You Falletinme Be Mice Elf Agin"

Popular Pickup Lines Used by Serial Killers

Replacing Bunnies With Bastards

Possible Closing Lines for a Defendant Who Has Chosen to Represent Himself

Actual Entries from Cab Calloway's Hepster's Dictionary, Revised 1939 Edition

Physical Theories as Women

Pillow Talk

People I'd Have Sex with to Avoid "Dialing Down the Middle" with Carrot Top, As Revealed by a Recent Game of "Who Would You Rather Sleep With?"

Dee Snider's Notes from Workshopping a B-Side to "Stay Hungry"

Things You Should Not Substitute for Whipped Cream During Food Sex, Even if You Are Out of Whipped Cream

Why Love Is Blind

List of Organizations, People, and Anthropomorphic Endangered Species That, for Funds-Soliciting Purposes, Purchased My Closely Held New Mailing Address from the ACLU, Which I Recently Joined, Ironically, to Support Privacy Rights

What I Learned from "Operational Security Management in Violent Environments," A Field Guide to Humanitarian Aid Workers

Random Book Dedications Read From the Bargain Bin

Albert Einstein College of Medicine Professor or Dr. Pepper Knock-Off Brand?

Jokes I May Have Misremembered

1960s Dance Craze or Kama Sutra Position?

Things I Told Customers While Working at a Starbucks, in a Mall, in the Baltimore Suburbs

Possible Names for a Supergroup Consisting Solely of Jack Black and Jack White

Certain Foods and the Individual Utensils It Is Difficult to Eat Them With

Reverse-Chronology Films or Imitation Designer Colognes

How One Would Have Seen Various Film Franchises Had They Been Directed By Matthew Barney

Things for Which I Was Either Reprimanded or Outright Suspended Without Pay When I Was a Teenage Universal Studios Hollywood Tour Guide in the Late Eighties

Story Endings O. Henry Didn't Use

Rejected Titles for Hymns

Alphabetical Listing of the Occupations of the People Running for Governor of California (As Listed on the "Official Sample Ballot")

Geology Terms That Sound Like Names for Small Forest People

Geology Terms That Sound Dirty, But Aren't

Comments My Father Made to the TV

An Incomplete List of Admonitions, Disclaimers, and Braggadocios Appearing on the Cardboard Sleeves of Thirty-Three and One-Third Revolutions Per Minute Microgroove Long-Playing Phonographic Records

Grout-Related Phrases Written on the Grout in a Bathroom Stall (Most Likely Written While Sitting on the Toilet)

Reasons You're No Longer Fit To Be an Architect

Yngwie Malmsteen or Spinal Tap?

Jim Croce's List of Things It Would Be Imprudent to Do

Remembered Items Bid During an Apparently Drunken but Lucid Game of High Stakes Verbal "Trivia Poker," as Overheard During Observance of the Leonid Meteor Showers, High Atop Skyline Boulevard in the Hills of Oakland, California

Lyrics from Bob Dylan Tunes or Poorly Translated English on Japanese Food Packaging

TV Guide Movie Capsules, Heaven Edition

Fluid-Related Terms Indicative of a State of Grace, Mostly from Various Obscure Religions

Titles of Rock Songs Covered on Barbra's Rock Album, Butterfly, or "Barbra's Statements" from barbrastreisand.com

Robert Frost Greeting Cards

Things I Would Say to Dorothy Parker If I Was Her Boyfriend that Would Lead to a Huge Fight

Possible Collaborations Between James Brown and Loretta Lynn, to be Performed at This Year's Kennedy Center Honors Ceremony

The Tables of Contents of C.G. Jung's The Undiscovered Self and Dr. Wayne Dyer's Self-help Book Your Erroneous Zones Spliced Together

Spin-Offs of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy

Actual Phrases from My American History Textbook

Eleven Boxers Who Failed to Intimidate

Recent Unpatriotic Thoughts: Canadian Edition

Potential Titles for the Next Installment of the Harry Potter Series, as Co-Authored by Judy Blume

Blind Items

Emotions/Bodily Responses I Experience When Reading about the Controversy Surrounding President Bush's State of the Union Address in Which He Falsely Stated That Iraq Had Tried to Secure "Yellowcake" Uranium from Niger

Radiohead Song Titles Vetoed By Thom Yorke

Nicknames for Jesus

Things That Will Eventually Lead to the Demise of Rush Limbaugh, NFL Analyst

What I Found in My Two-Year-Old Son's Playroom

Select Items Sold at the Waco Independent School District Kitchen and Machine Shop Remainder Auction

Subjects My Dad Doesn't Like and Will Discuss at Length

Some Famous Names That Can Replace the Word Yesterday in the Song "Yesterday," by Paul McCartney

Regrettable Puns I've Used as Headlines at the In-Flight Magazine for Which I Work

Titles of Various Reviews of Hamlet

The Quotable Bazooka Joe

Top Ten Things I (Not Me) Love About You, Janine (Probably Not You)

Teams in My Fantasy Hockey League

Ways This One Project Manager Replies to My Replies to Her E-mailed Questions About Documentation

Words and Phrases I Use at Work, but Seldom Use at Home

Names, Words, and Phrases from Notes Taken in an Archaeology Class, Whose Meanings and Context I Have Since Forgotten

Nicknames I've Been Called by My Family

The Track Listing on a CD Titled "Songs That Remind Me of Katie" Burned By My 15-Year-Old Brother (Where Katie is His Girlfriend)

Comments Overheard in English Class Last Week

Titles of threads on the OSFriends Forum, an Internet Message Board for Fans of the Osmonds

Thirty Good Names for a Dance Troupe, Including Five That are Already Taken by Actual Troupes, and Two That are Taken by Cheeses

Nicknames for the Nuns at My Catholic Girls Boarding School

Easily Confused Municipalities in Massachusetts

Part of 'P' and All of 'Q' and 'R' in the Jobs and Occupations Index of the "Word in Life Study Bible"

Items From the Neiman Marcus 2002 Christmas Book

Potential Names of TV Shows Taken from Every Other Word of the Preamble of the US Constitution, And on What Networks Those Shows Might Appear

Animals I Enjoy Imagining

People Playing Scrabble in "The Merry Worzels Game Room" on www.thepixiepit.co.uk

Bits of Conversation Overheard at My Neighborhood's Swimming Pool

Several Books Left in My Apartment Building's Laundry Room

Major League Baseball Players and Their Injuries

Chocolate Molds Available from a Leisure World, in Toronto, Ontario

Contents of the Useless Courier Bag I Took to This Job Interview Just to Avoid Being Empty-Handed

Cable News Shows in Geometry Geek Heaven

Memories from My Youth Involving My Best Friend, Glen Sanford

Motivational Slogans Posted on the Walls of the Career Services Office at the Borough of Manhattan Community College

Actual Security Incidents at Queen's University

Example Sentences from My Sixth-Grade Grammar Book

Band Names Proposed by My Stepbrother Who Sometimes Believes He's Peter Criss of Kiss

Names New Agers in Santa Fe, New Mexico Have Given Themselves

Frequently Asked Questions at the Office

Stay A While: Articles in Back Issues of Parking Today

Actual and Made-up Adages Used to Promote the Consumption of Pork

Rejected Dialogue for the Chinese Psy-Ops Officer in "Pork Chop Hill"

Actual Entries from the Scots Dialect Dictionary

Things I Learned about My Spanish Teacher during Intensive Lessons in Which We Can Only Speak in Spanish

Online Reviews of the Shockwave Bowling Game

Mnemonic Devices to Help You Remember How to Spell "Mnemonic Devices"

Possible Follow-up Songs for One-Hit Wonders

Shakespearean Character or Prescription Drug Not Covered By My Blue Cross/Blue Shield Plan?

Everything I Need to Known I Learned from Spam

All of Chewbacca's Dialogue in the Comic Book Version of The Empire Strikes Back

Crayola Crayons Included in Its New Hollywood Box

Bored, I Search Google for "Luke Is"

Actual Soap Opera Recaps, 1996-2002

Vocabulary Words We Learned by Playing Dungeons & Dragons

Military Acronyms That Are Also Men's Names

Things NYC Cabdrivers Yelled at Me While I Crossed the Street

Papa Was a Rolling Stone

Names I've Been Called as a Little League Umpire

Local TV Weatherman or Porn Actor?

Scientific Journals Available Electronically at the Mt. Sinai School of Medicine

Lessons Learned from My Study of Literature

Terms Used in an Office-Supply Catalog to Describe Placements of Tabs on Manila File Folders That Could Also Describe Political Ideologies or Sexual Preferences

Films about Tough Jews

Actual Responses by My Fourteen-Year-Old Japanese Students to the Prompts "In the Future, I Want to Be..." and "Because..."

Review Headings of New York City's Bliss Spa

Retail Store Compilation CDs (Six Real, Two Made-Up)

The Graffiti of Minneapolis

Women with Whom Klaus Kinski Has Had Sex, According to His Autobiography, "Klaus Kinski: I Need Love," in Order of Mention

Actually Heard on the New York City Subway/Never Heard on the New York City Subway

Businesses in Sydney, Australia Beginning with Mr. or Mister

Partial List of Items That Cannot Be Legally Mailed to Canada from Other Countries

Things My Friend Fabio Said Recently

Subject Lines from Co-Workers' Goodbye Messages after Getting Laid Off Recently

Actual Items Described in Published Articles as Being "the Toughest Nut" or "the Toughest Nut to Crack"

Contents of Stockton, California's Sesquicentennial Time Capsule

The Latest in Fake Meat Products

Actual Misspellings of My Name by the Chinese Restaurant I Call for Pick-Up

Questions Recently Answered on Yahoo!'s "Ask the Doctor" Website

Papers Appearing in Science Magazine's "Reflections on Self" Issue

Terrible Fake Names

FTD Floral Arrangements Available to Express One's Sympathy

Not Very Scary Movies

Prom Themes Suggested Instead of "Under the Sea" When My Best Friend Told Me to "Think outside the Box, Woman!"

Lines from the Unabomber's Manifesto or Roxy Music's "Manifesto"?

Actual Brands of the Coca-Cola Company

Items Received during the Last Eleven Months at a Northern California Food Bank

The Most Famous Haiku of All Time

Actual Descriptions of Lara Croft from the Scholarly Book "Video Games: A Popular Culture Phenomenon," by Arthur Asa Berger

Almost Rhymes With Orange

Third Quarter Employee Accident/Injury Report

Appalled in Albuquerque: Recent Uses of "Appalled" in Letters to the Weekly Alibi, Albuquerque's Weekly Newspaper

Final Sentences of Essays I Wrote in College

Keywords That Recently Directed Google Users to My Website

Selected Chapter Titles from Superb Virility of Manhood: Giving the Causes and Simple Home Methods of Curing the Weaknesses of Men, by Bernarr Macfadden, Physical Culture Publishing Company, New York, 1904

Selected Words from a Chinese-English Dictionary Published in the People's Republic of China And the Sentences Used to Illustrate Their Meanings

The Wrong Mantras

Pre-1900 American Political Party or Music Group?

Profile of Two People Who Held My Jobs Before Me

I Am a Big Fan of the Following Westerns, and No, They Aren't Porn

Words Overheard in an Amtrak Dining Car Bound for Seattle

Actual Titles of Stephen Dixon Short Stories Used As Ice Breakers to Mixed Results (Punctuation Mine)

Actual Headlines from the March InStyle Magazine

Nicknames for Some of My Coworkers

Titling Movies

Actual Names Entered into the Electronic Scorekeeper at Clover Lakes Bowling Alley, in Rochester, New York

International Equivalents: Cake Hole

Keywords to the New Home Page of the MIT Media Lab

Shoe-Lacing Methods

Signatures Available from Print Shop's Certificate Maker Program

Suggestions from Baedeker's 1878 Traveller's Manual of Conversation

Questions Most Frequently Asked by Bookstore Customers

Potential Names for Christian Rock Bands Taken from Lines in Emily Dickinson's Poems

Selected Speeches on the Theme of "Perfect Day," as Summarized in the British Airways Japanese Speech Contest for Schools Program

Music Industry Trends Not Yet Overexposed

Hardy Boys Novel or Death Metal Album?

Signs on the Lawns of People Whose Lawns You May Want to Avoid

Names Of Contestants in the Nashville Sunrise Assisted-Living Minnie Pearle Look-Alike Contest, Including How Each Contestant Fared

Actual Books Probably Still for Sale on the One-Dollar Carts at the Strand Bookstore in New York City

Ways in which the Midwest Express In-Flight Catalog Describes Shirts That Won't Wrinkle

Actual Names for Quadruple Espresso Drinks Used by Locally Owned Coffee Shops

Genomes Other than Homo Sapiens Sequenced by the Institute for Genomic Research, in Rockville, Maryland

Dialogue Spoken by Al Pacino During Pre-Production Character Development Exercises for "Scent of a Woman"

My Plans

Rejected First Lines for My Personal Ad

Bad Names for Boats

Overheard at the Fall 2001 Microprocessing Development Conference, in San Jose, California

Featured Menu Items at the Existentialist's Café

A Mint for All Occasions

Actual Film Titles Bought By My Cousin, Who Owns Twelve VCRs

What Alexander Graham Bell Might Have Said If His Assistant Was One of My Cats

Names Given to the Daylilies Planted at Seattle's Ballard Locks by the Puget Sound Daylily Club

Of Presidents and Devils

Injudicious Uses of Exclamation Points in the Teacher's Video Company Catalog

My Unabridged Vocabulary at Thirteen Months Which, Unhappily, Foreshadows the Next 302

Selected Side Effects of My Recently-Prescribed Medication

Actual Evaluations I Received from Students in My Analytical Chemistry Class

Things People Said to Me While I Worked the Front Desk in Lieu of "Would you throw this away for me?"

What Was Asked of Jeeves, on March 5, 2002

Students' Responses to a Quiz on McDonald's, Presented as Evidence That I Might Not Be Cutting It As an American Culture Teacher at a College in Ningbo, China

Murder Techniques Offered by the Killer-for-Hire in AC/DC's "Dirty Deeds, Done Dirt Cheap"

Actual Band Names That Double As Excuses for Showing up Late to Work

Song Titles by Judas Priest, Modified to Reflect an Alternate Reality in Which the Band is Obsessed with Members of President Jimmy Carter's Cabinet and the 1985 American League Eastern Division Champion Toronto Blue Jays

Actual Comments Made about Ozzy Osbourne on the Official Message Board for "The Osbournes" TV Program

Rapper or Toiletry?

Some Things I Have Done to Disgrace My Family Name

Comments Written on Evaluations of My Speech on Needle Exchange Programs

What to Expect after March Madness

T-Shirt Slogans Worn Recently by Contestants on The Price Is Right

All the President's Wu-Tang Clan

Actual User Comments in the "Fat Cats" Photo Gallery at CuteCats.com

Some Reasons I've been Fired

Names of Characters Played by Donald Gibb Since Starring as Ogre in "Revenge of the Nerds"

Nineteen Suggestions by Dictionary.com When I Misspelled "Penguin."

Rejected Arcade Games

Actual Questions and Comments Overheard at the DMV

The Latest in Innuendo Bumper Stickers

Answers I Gave on a Pop Quiz in My Understanding the Short Story Class

Pattern Options for Scrubs in the Jasco Uniform Company Catalog

Information Entered by a Website Tester Who's Done This Part Fifty Times Already and Just Wants To Get Past It

Actual Titles from Whitman Publishing's 1945 Series of Mystery and Adventure Stories for Girls and Boys

Quotes from the Movie "Jaws" in Which "shark" Is Replaced by "Jimmy Page"

Synopses of "Sports Stories for Young Readers" Found in the 1964 edition of Catcher with a Glass Arm, Plus Three I Invented

Actual Names of Computer Games Ending in "Tycoon."

Tips from a Guide to the Computer Game "Phantasmagoria: A Puzzle of The Flesh."

Las Senales de Aviso de Un Ataque de Corazon

Real Pennsylvania Towns

Figure Skating Term or Phonetic Symbol?

Books about the Special Relationship between Switzerland and America

Names of Actual Places in Texas, Arranged by Proposed License Plate Slogans Showcasing Those Places

Characters Played by Movie Actor Frank Thomas Feeney (1881-1953)

Actual Email Usernames Given by Students in Introductory Astronomy at the University of California, Santa Barbara

Assorted Chances, Good and Bad

English-Language Names My Chinese Acquaintances Chose for Themselves

Actual Excerpts from Reunion-Chat Website Autobiographies of Pittsburgh-Area High School Graduates

Baby Names for an Expected Sister Suggested by Nathaniel Watson, Age Six

Crate and Barrel Tableware Style + U.S. President = Fictional Delta Blues Singer

Introducing the New Cereals

Actual Notes I Took During a Showing of "Paris is Burning" in College, Discovered Four Years Later

Actual Police Calls from Fayetteville, Arkansas, as Reported by the Fayetteville Police Department

For the Executive Who Has Everything, Six Gift Catalog Headlines Warning of Epic Peril Followed by the Items Promising to Save One from Those Perils

Actual Answers to the Question "What or Who Is the Greatest Love of Your Life?" That Were Not, to My Surprise, "You"

Names of Squash That Also Make Good Terms of Endearment

Characters Available for Singing Telegrams from Babaloons, a Northern California Company, with Prices

Variations on the Spelling of 'Vehicles,' Submitted by my 6th Graders Attempting to Earn Extra Credit on a Weekly Spelling Test

Names of the Most Popular Colors According to the Color Marketing Group's 2002 Color Forecast

Alternative Winter Olympics

How Many Members of Each of the Following Religions It Takes To Screw in a Lightbulb

Tips from "Jokes and How to Tell Them," Published in 1963

As a Porn Movie Titler, I May Lack Promise

Actual Bullet Points from a Handout for a Philosophy Class on Consciousness

Items Discovered in Boxes of My Grandmother's Things

Actual Names of People Who Checked in to a Youth Hostel in San Francisco

Excerpts from Letters to the Editor That Appeared Recently in The Paradise Post, a California Newspaper

A Minute-by-Minute Breakdown of My First and Only Call to a Psychic Friend

Life Advice Gleaned from the Bliss Spa Beauty Catalog

Dial 9

What to Say When Pretending You Grew Up Middle-Class and Not in a Housing Project in Brooklyn

Chapter Titles in Herman Melville's 'Moby-Dick' That Misleadingly Suggest Racy Content

Quoting My Philosophy Professors out of Context

Actual Usernames of Participants in a Recent Online Discussion of the War in Afghanistan

Tempo Markings in Wayne Erbsen's Backpocket Bluegrass Songbook

Less Popular Board Games

Recently Overheard on Ray Bradbury Theatre

How to Make Classic Chicken and Rice

Frequently Asked Questions

First Lines to Books I Won't Write

Eternia's Legendary Homoerotic Figures

Titles of Zoological Leaflets Issued by Chicago's Field Museum of Natural History in 1938

Catalog Headlines That Made Me Daydream of Big Success

Alternative Anniversary Gift Traditions

Foods and Beverages That Are Bad for You

Actual Phrases Written between the 1/8" Wide Joints of a Field of 4" x 4" Ceramic Tiles Located above the Urinals in a Men's Restroom

Thirteen Ways of Looking at Mario Ernesto Rojas

Actual Names of Online Poker Players

Actual Comments Written in the Customer Comments Book in Somerfield's, a Supermarket in Galashiels, in the Scottish Borders

Words Used by My Grandfather in His WWII Diary to Denote Intoxication

In the Magazine Age

Probable Locations of Trans-dimensional Portals

Tom Cruise's Smile, Circa December 2001

Street Names of Some Common Antibiotics

Proposed Hobbies for My Friend Stan's Mom and the Reasons They Were Scrapped

Last Names That Are More Common Than My Own, According to the Census Bureau

Actual Titles of Resumes Posted by Job Seekers on a San Francisco-Area Web Site

Capitalized Words and Phrases Appearing in the Official Sea-Monkey Handbook

Sentences I Wish I Hadn't Written

Actual Pull Quotes from Bob Greene's Nationally Syndicated Newspaper Column

Spell-check's Suggested Replacements for My Last Name

Ineffective Ways to Subdue a Jaguar

Actual Stories from American Window Cleaner Magazine

Names Considered and Rejected by the Software Company "Cisive" While Looking for Something in the Style of "Teligent" and "Genuity"

Roman Emperors of Questionable Mental Health, Or Leafy Green Vegetables?

All the Gerunds Fit to Print

Ten Poets Named Like Porn Stars

Vanity Plates of Alaska: The Available, the Unavailable, and the Issued

Character in Harry Potter Books, or Current U.S. Navy Rear Admiral?

Titles of Unwritten Essays Jotted down While Living in Prague in the 90s

Girls' Names for Parents Who Wanted a Boy

Captions for a Cartoon

Descriptions of Omaha Beef Steaks That Are Meant to Be Enticing

The Art Gliner Punch Line Machine

What the Buddha Is Not, According to the Twenty Questions Computer Game

Meatless Pop

Educational Videos and Their Sponsors Available to Schools for Free from Video Placement Worldwide

Ways One Might Describe the New Color of the Interior Walls at the Architecture Firm Where I Work

Alphabetical Resume Verbs as Memoir

Museums I Saw Advertised on Interstates 95, 81, 40 and California Route 58

Thirty Things I Learned at My New Job at the Video Store

Marcel Duchamp: The Mix Tape Biography

Children's Games and Party Games Listed in Bartlett's Roget's Thesaurus That I Wouldn't Necessarily Want to Play

Schoolyard Games for Unpopular Children

Nine Words Probably Not Ever Found in Personal Ads

World Capitals or Jedi Knights

Objects Found While Bicycling on a County Road in Illinois

Names That I Call My Cat, Mr. Miles Caballero Del Gato, Aside from Mr. Miles Caballero Del Gato

Twenty-Eight Real Animals Named After Other Animals

What People Said to Me upon Being Informed I Had Applied to Work in Antarctica

Things Customers Have Said after Asking Me Where All the Oprah Books Are Located and I Point over Their Shoulder, Saying, "Six o' Clock"

Entrants In The First Decennial Ordinal Film Festival

A Good Salesman Can Sell

Some Very Unpopular Mixed Drinks

The Emperor Has No Cortex: One Hundred Percent True Quotes From My Former Hollywood Bosses

I Fainted

Actual Names of Racers in the United States Lawnmower Racing Association

Pickup Lines That Went Unnoticed

All I Remember from a Shelley Winters Biography I Read at Fifteen

A Lesson Learned in Life... Known From the Dawn of Time: By My Recollection, the 25 Most Confusing Pantera Lyrics

Top Ten Favorite Movies List With an Entry That Reveals the List-Maker as Someone Only Pretending to Be an Assistant Professor of Cinema Studies at an Australian University

Dives Not Recognized by the Olympic Diving Committee

Off-Season Transactions

Lines of "Star Wars" Dialogue If Obi-Wan Kenobi Had Been Really, Really Depressed

Actual Answers to Questions From a Reading Comprehension Booklet

Updates

Members of a Los Angeles-Area Cheesecake Factory Wait Staff (Listed in Order of Appearance)

A Dream Playlist for a Salt Lake City Golden Oldies Station

Things I Have Had in My Nose, and If They Got There Intentionally or Accidentally

Bad Sums That Equal Danger

Drug-Culture Symbioses

Lines to be Relayed by a Servile Yet Dignified Waiter to an Interesting-Looking Woman in a Public Place

Responses from the Lady, To Be Relayed by That Same Servile Yet Dignified Waiter

Five Essentials of Success, as Posted in the Kitchen of an Actual Fast-Food Restaurant

Roles Played by Two of Our Most Ubiquitous and Unknown, Yet Instantly Recognizable, Movie and Television Actors

Rating Key

Baseball Players of the 1980s Whose Names Are No Longer Available as Dot-com Addresses

Baseball Players of the 1980s Whose Names Are Still Available as Dot-com Addresses

Fun Snapple Tricks

Philosophical Fast Food Quotations

Things I've Said or Overheard Said to the Monkeys in My Laboratory

Cancelled Regional Morning TV Shows

Items on the Desk That Make Me, the Temp, a Bit Uneasy

On the Heels of "Finding Forrester" and "Saving Silverman," More Movie Titles with Alliteration, Gerunds, Proper Names

Alternative Alphabetical Orders

2001 Nobel Prize Underdogs

Suggested Titles for Anecdotes I Tell Far Too Often, Followed by a Tally of Significant Events, Items, and Characters Appearing Therein

The Deployment of Concepts from Theoretical Physics

If You Wanted to Join Match.Com to Meet Girls and You Wanted to Impress Those Girls by Selecting a Username That Cleverly References a Literary Character, You Couldn't Choose Any of These Because They Are Already Taken

Nicknames For The Various Manners In Which A Shirt May Be Worn

Properly Sequenced Tool Hits for Amada'S Pega 345 58 Station Sheet Metal Punching CNC Turret, Juxtaposed With Childhood Memories They Remind Me Of

Passwords Printed on the Eight Trial Software Packages AOL Has Mailed to Me since December 20, and an Imagined Exchange Between AOL and Me

Seven Selling-Points for Sizzling Steak

Like a Fox

In Search of Lost Temps

Obsessive Behaviors Exhibited Toward Your Emotions

Corporate Mascots: Their Stunning Secrets Revealed

Actual Names of Amsters Living in the Greater Seattle Area (in Reference to Previous List by Adam Voith)

Actual First Names of People Who Have Recently Worked in the Romance Department at Harvard University

List of Names of People I Actually Know That Could Very Easily Be Porn Star Names, Excluding the Last One, As I Do Not Actually Know That Person

Movies you Probably Won't Be Seeing Anytime Soon: Titles and Loglines From Screenplays That Didn't Win Project Greenlight

Name, Lifespan, and Manner of Death of the Clawed African Aquatic Frogs (Xenopus Laevis) That I Have Owned

Inspirational Messages Found in Southern California Public High Schools, As Observed by a Substitute Teacher

Remember in "Passenger 57" When Elizabeth Hurley Says "How Would You Like Your Steak, Sir?" and He Says "Bloody!" and Then They Start Shooting People? OK. Five Other Ways He Could Have Liked His Steak, With the Concomitant Killing Methodologies

Important Dates in Machiavelli's Life

Proposed Names for an Amateur Wrestler Unduly Influenced by the Work of Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Real and Imagined Things My 3-Month-Old Son Charlie Has Said

A Paranoid's Eighties Mix Tape

Muscles of the Face or Men's Colognes

Uses for Various Bells as Suggested by EthnicMusic.com

Popular Books Titled as Though Written in an Engineering, Scientific, and/or Mathematical Vernacular

Advertising Slogans Targeted at the Lovecraftian Elder Gods

Library Science Jargon That Sounds Dirty

A Year in Words That Sound Like Pasta Shapes When Pronounced as Such

Actual Sentences Written by Students in My Fiction Workshop in a Well-Respected MFA Program Over a Period of a Couple Weeks or So

Actual T'ai Chi Terms That Would Be Intriguing as Services Provided by a Geisha, Plus Two That I Made Up

Early Drafts of Surprise Endings

Teas and/or Psychedelics I'm Inventing

America's Funniest Home Depots

Four Things I Would Have Said to Sylvia Plath If I Had Been Her Boyfriend

More Ways to Cook and Eat Céline Dion

Mohicans

In Lineup Form, Possible Nicknames for Semi-Popular Former and Present-Day Major League Baseball Players Using Only The Full Names of Former Catchers Who Themselves Lacked Nicknames

Rejected Titles for Sisqo's "Thong Song"

Disorders in Which Laughter May Be a Symptom

My Own Private Menlo Park

What We'd All Be Talking About If Important Things Had Different Names

Troubled Business Models

Things My Girlfriend or Mother have Called "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" (Real and Imagined)

Eleven Lunchmeats I Have Invented

Actual "To-Do" List Found on Ground in Parking Lot in Downtown Indianapolis, Published as a Warning to Steve About Potential Atypical Behavior of an Otherwise Kind and Generous Person

Cause and Effect Rules for Sidewalk Travel

Titles From True Detective

10 Groundbreaking Research Titles

41 Archaic Diseases or Former Pro Football Head Coaches

Rhetorical Questions Posed By My Dentist That I Honestly Believe I Would Answer Yes To

Infrequently Asked Questions

10 Eligible Bachelors and What They Are Eligible For

Spelling Words With "K"

Academic Euphemisms for Masturbating

Tanks and Bubblegum

Ailments I Will Probably Have, Later

Answers to Common Questions, in Which the Answers Incorporate Common AutoCAD 14 Commands

New Year's Events You May Have Missed

Secret New Year's Resolutions From Washington

Actual Names of Hamsters Living in Seattle's Queen Anne Neighborhood (in Reference to Previous Lists by Diana Fischer)

Concluding Sentences from YM Magazine's "Say Anything" Column, a Collection of Embarrassing Experiences Submitted by YM Readers

Questions for the Office Manager

Lies I Have Told About Myself to Get Into Well-Paid Focus Groups

Waiting List

My First Ten Stages of the Tour De France

What Alex Rodriguez Can and Cannot Buy With $252 Million

A Week of Weather Forecasts By The A&E Biography Clock, As Viewed By Me From Columbus Circle

Phrases Considered Handy by Makers of Ukranian-English Tapes for Car Service Drivers

Seven Deadly Lists

Words, Names, Or Phrases That Must Be Mispronounced In Order To Create The Proper Rhyme Scheme In My Epic Poem About The 1921 Boston Red Sox

Who Let the Dogs Out

Ten Sequels (In the Tradition of "What's Happening Now!!")

Jurisdictional Karate: 36 Selected Pairs of Guide Words from The Merriam-Webster Dictionary, 1974

Last-Minute Installation Ideas

David Blaine Is Soft, Or, Things I Would Stand In For 61 Hours

Actual Academic Journals Which Could Be Broadway Shows If They Had Exclamation Points Added!

Names of People I Know That Also Form Grammatically Correct Sentences

Dares and Double-Dares I Took Prior to My 10th Birthday, and Their Consequences

Noises That Select Political Pundits Would Make If They Were Wild Animals Instead of Political Pundits

Match the Product With the Label Instructions/Warning

Bed As Compass: Directions in Which My Bed Has Faced, by City and by Apt/House/Room

Things To Do in Hell

Strippers Who Care

Grammatical and Other Errors Recently Found in an Official Government Document, In Alphabetical Order

Words That Would Make Nice Names for Babies, If It Weren't For Their Unsuitable Meanings

17 Lines of Copy Used on the Website buycostumes.com

Recently Discovered Voting Irregularities in Florida

Blame Florida: Proposed Name Changes for the State of Florida

The First 100 Posts

Some States and their Electoral College Values

U.S. Presidential Candidates of the Future: Some Domain Names That Are Already Registered

The Six Simple Machines (Modern)

My Children Will Pay For This Someday

Taxi Driver

Recipes That Would Be Officially Approved by the Ayn Rand Institute

"The doggie.com Domain Name Has Been Registered": Register.com's Proposed Alternate Domain Names

The Seven Stages of Drunk

Cow Best Sellers

The Least Believable Things I Can Reach With a Cane While Sitting at My Computer

Flavors That I Would Imagine the Forehead of Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer Tastes Like

Searching for Orthographical Consensus by Counting Search Results on Google.com, Part One: The Leader of Libya

Slogans of Not-So-Prestigious Schools

Bad Things That Will Happen When You Masturbate

VH-1's Greatest Songs of Rock and Roll, Adjusted for Not Sucking by Dan, a Viacom Intern, With Minimal Input From Dan's Older Brother Jim, Whose Girlfriend Just Broke Up With Him Over the Phone

Personal Fashion Mistakes

Steps in the Creation of a List

Future Computer Viruses Named After the Subject Headers of the Emails in Which They Are Propagated

Lines of Dialogue From a Japanese Fansite's Transcription of "Full House" Episodes

Questions I Was Asked in Japan

A list of hit tracks by my 11-year-old sister Ruth, whose knowledge of metal and glam rock stems entirely from the cover of a "Nelson and Nelson Smokin' Guitar Licks" video we saw at the music store, but who, nevertheless, calling herself "The Blast Off!," decided to form her own ensemble, "Lumpee & Meen," which she was kind enough to let me join

Terrible Names for Hair Salons

Things I Would Often Think About While at Church

Defunct Youth Group Metal Bands

Rejected Pictures For Commemorative New York Subway Fare Cards

Preliminary Results of the Human Genome Project: A Scientific Paper in Two Parts

List of Ideas for Ideas for Lists

Sixteen Phrases That You Won't Find in Peru, in Any Language

Some Plot Summaries of Daytime Television Reruns, as Listed in the Raleigh, NC, News & Observer, During a Single Week This Past Summer

Ineffective Lines Deleted From Final Revisions of Violent Box-Office Hits

Things I Did Today Which Possibly Indicate Neurosis

Suggested Band Names

Authors Whose Names You Can Say While Eating Corn on the Cob

Authors Whose Names You Can Say While Chewing Gum

Failed Palindromes

The Only Thoughts I Remember Crossing My Mind Today, Part 2

Poor Names For An Earth, Wind, And Fire Cover Band

Lesser-Known Facts, Democratic Party Edition

Fall Hunting Dates for North Dakota

13 Fraudulent Martyrs

A Judgment of My Performance

Your eBay Friends and Neighbors

Ten As-Yet-Unwritten Articles About Cheese

The Only Thoughts I Remember Crossing My Mind Today

Real Notes Scribbled In Books Still On The Shelves At Borders Books and Music

Best and Worst Teams in Seattle's Weeknight Co-Rec Soccer League (Divisions 9A-9F)

Eric's Top Ten Movies of 1999

Ways To Offer Coffee Refills at a Diner (If You are Working at the Diner)

Bad Names for Hamsters

Good Names for Hamsters

3 Little Things I Regret Having Said

Freudian Blender Settings

Lists Involving Christ, Christian Names, and Peace of Mind

Tossed, Hurled, Thrown

If Medical Conditions were like Masterpiece Theater and Sporting Venues

The Blots vs. The Sharks: The Blots' Playbook

The Past Ten Business Days

Dreams, by Proximity to Reality

Several Phrases That Have Never Been Uttered in Human History

The Contrarian's Alternate History of Popular Music: The Top 100

Ulriches Past Present and Future

Speculative Titles of Future Thrillers by James Patterson

23 Websites You Might Be Very Disappointed to Hear Are Already Registered, and One You Might Be Surprised to Discover Is Still Available

Not-Good Titles for Romantic Films

Percentages of Internet Users Genuinely Engaged in the Action in Column "A" While Typing the Abbreviation in Column "B"

Words from a Magnetic Poetry Set

Six Rejected Pseudonyms for Allen T. Loffman

Six Possible Pseudonyms for Allen T. Loffman

Possible Winning Solutions to the Board Game "Clue" If the Characters Were Replaced with Right-Leaning Political Pundits, the Weapons Replaced with Logical Fallacies, And the Rooms Replaced with Either Jung's "Psychic Containers" or Varieties of Soft Cheese

1999: 10 Dates to Remember

Awful Sports

Terms That Corporate America Should Consider Using in Place of "Going Forward"

Eventual Everything: 65 Selected Pairs of Guide Words from the McGraw-Hill School Dictionary, 1998 Edition